Few threads are as dark and heavy as grief. Yet, Dr. Linda Miles, a seasoned psychotherapist with 35 years of experience, offers a perspective that illuminates even this shadowy corner of our lives. Through her insights, shared with me, we explore a powerful reperception of grief that can transform our relationship with pain and loss.
For a moment, a gentle Death removes his scythe before entering a home, he sits for coffee with children to delay his grim task. This is the Death we meet in Glenn Ringtved’s poignant children’s book, “Cry, Heart, But Never Break.” Dr. Miles uses this story as a launching point to discuss the delicate balance of life and death, joy and sorrow.
In the book, Death tells the children about two pairs of siblings: Sorrow and Grief, Joy and Delight. These couples, perfectly balanced, represent the essential dualities of existence. It’s a powerful metaphor that resonates with Dr. Miles’ approach to grief therapy. She reminds us that our capacity for joy is directly proportional to our ability to experience sorrow. As the poet Khalil Gibran wrote, “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”
But how do we navigate these turbulent waters of emotion? Dr. Miles introduces us to the concept of “sacred spaciousness,” a term borrowed from grief therapist Stephen Levine. This approach doesn’t deny pain but creates room for it alongside other emotions. It’s about acknowledging grief while also recognizing the blessings that surround us.
Dr. Miles shares the story of pediatrician Amy Lee Bredlau, who grappled with the heart-wrenching reality of caring for terminally ill children. When asked, “Where do you put the pain?” Dr. Bredlau found her answer in house calls. By witnessing moments of joy and family love amidst tragedy, she cultivated her sacred spaciousness.
This concept of sacred spaciousness aligns with Dr. Miles’ NOW approach: Notice, Opportunities, Within. We begin by noticing our pain, then seek opportunities to find balance, and finally look within to create that sacred space where both sorrow and joy can coexist.
Dr. Miles offers a practical exercise to cultivate this spaciousness. She invites us to visualize entering our consciousness, gently handling our emotions like delicate parcels. In this mental sanctuary, we allow pain to float alongside our blessings, filling the space with gratitude.
This approach doesn’t diminish the reality of loss. Instead, it offers a way to honor our grief while also honoring life’s ongoing beauty. It’s about softening our hearts with the balm of blessings to counter inevitable hurts.
As Dr. Miles reminds us, we’re not the first to grapple with grief, nor will we be the last. But by cultivating our minds and hearts to accommodate both sorrow and renewal, we can navigate these stormy seas with greater resilience.
In sharing these insights, Dr. Miles offers more than just coping strategies. She presents a profound shift in how we perceive and interact with our most challenging emotions. It’s an invitation to embrace the full spectrum of human experience, to cry without breaking, and to let our tears of grief water the seeds of new life.
This perspective on grief isn’t about quick fixes or avoiding pain. It’s about developing a richer, more nuanced relationship with our emotions and experiences. It’s a reminder that even in our darkest moments, we carry within us the capacity for light and renewal.
Dr. Miles’ wisdom serves as a compass, guiding us toward a more compassionate and spacious way of being. In learning to create room for both our sorrows and our joys, we don’t just survive our grief – we grow through it, emerging with hearts that are more capacious, more resilient, and ultimately, more alive.
Published by: Martin De Juan
