Beyond ‘Nice’ and ‘Abrasive’: Empowering Women with Performance-Driven Feedback

By: Natalie Brooks

In many professional settings, feedback is essential for personal growth, development, and career advancement. However, it is increasingly evident that women tend to receive feedback centered on their personalities rather than their performance. Business owner, author, and speaker, Kelly McDonald, highlights this common disparity, noting that women are often told they are “nice” or “abrasive,” while men receive more performance-focused critiques. This unbalanced feedback dynamic not only hampers women’s progress but also affects the overall effectiveness of teams and organizations.

The Nature of Personality-Based Feedback for Women

McDonald observes that while men are more likely to receive constructive criticism about their work output, women are often given feedback that focuses on how they interact with others. For instance, a woman might hear comments like, “Everyone loves working with you, Amelia. You have such a positive personality,” rather than receiving input about her contributions to business goals or specific areas for improvement. While being pleasant or agreeable is valuable in creating a positive work environment, it doesn’t provide the tangible feedback necessary for professional growth.

Shifting the Feedback Toward Performance

To address this imbalance, McDonald advises women to graciously accept the personality-based feedback but to dig deeper for more concrete insights that can propel their careers forward. In response to feedback like “You’re always so pleasant,” a woman could acknowledge the compliment and then ask, “Thank you – I think it’s important to set and maintain a positive culture. What would you like me to focus on now to move the business forward?”

By steering the conversation toward specific goals, women can actively reshape their feedback into something more actionable. Here are a few strategies McDonald recommends for reframing feedback discussions:

“What are the specific areas in which I can improve?”: This question helps identify tangible opportunities for development, whether they are related to technical skills, leadership, or project management.
“In the next 6 months, what would you like me to accomplish?”: Focusing on future performance encourages a goal-oriented conversation, keeping the feedback centered on measurable outcomes.
“How can I better contribute to you/the team/the company?”: This question demonstrates initiative and opens the door for constructive input on collaboration, productivity, and impact.
“Which skills do I need to acquire (or hone) to grow in the organization?”: By asking about skill development, women can pinpoint areas for personal and professional growth that align with the organization’s needs.

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Photo: Unsplash.com

For companies to support their employees, ongoing training is essential, particularly for managers. McDonald stresses that managers should be taught how to deliver performance-based feedback that centers around work contributions, results, and goals. A focus on performance—not personality—is critical to an employee’s growth and can be tied directly to organizational success.

Unless an employee exhibits a consistently negative or abusive work style, personality traits should not factor into performance reviews. Companies that offer continuous training on how to give effective, goal-centered feedback will foster a more inclusive environment where all employees, regardless of gender, receive constructive insights. These insights can help employees grow in measurable ways that ultimately contribute to the success of the organization.

To ensure fairness and effectiveness, companies should cultivate a culture that values tangible performance metrics over subjective personality traits. Here’s how managers and organizations can help create this culture:

1. Regularly train managers to give actionable, performance-driven feedback.

2. Set clear expectations and performance metrics for all employees, regardless of gender.

3. Encourage employees to seek out specific feedback by asking performance-related questions and focusing on skill development.

4. Create a feedback loop where employees and managers engage in ongoing conversations about goals and performance rather than relying on annual reviews that may skew toward subjective impressions.

Women often face the challenge of receiving feedback that focuses on their personalities rather than their contributions to the workplace. However, by actively steering the conversation toward specific, performance-based feedback, women can better advocate for their own growth. For companies, the solution lies in continuous training for managers, ensuring feedback is goal-oriented and contributes to the professional development of every employee. This shift will not only support individual career advancement but also lead to more effective teams and a stronger organization overall.

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Photo Courtesy: Kelly McDonald

About Kelly McDonald:

Kelly McDonald is an acclaimed speaker who specializes in consumer trends and changing demographics. She is the president of McDonald Marketing and has authored four bestselling books on the customer experience, leadership, and marketing — all from the standpoint of working with people “not like you”. Her book, How to Work With and Lead People Not Like You has been on two bestseller lists.